What is family?

A family is a commitment. A commitment to nurture, cherish, educate, learn from, support, and rely on each other. A commitment founded on faith, hope, and love. A family is also the moments created within that commitment. The family is not defined by the people themselves, but rather the relationship they co-create together.

How do you demonstrate love in your family?

• Level 1: Subconscious love through fulfilling “responsibility” as a parent – so, getting her ready for school, cooking for her, reading to her, playing with her.
• Level 2: Conscious love – Intentional expression of love through hugging her often, kissing her over 1,000 times a day, telling her I love her. On the days that she’s with her mom, I go to visit her at school every day for lunch, lay next to her cot and stay until she falls asleep for her nap. Even at two years old, I still put her to sleep on my chest every night.
• Level 3: Looking within oneself – Between birth and seven years old, we learn most of what we know from those around us. My commitment to Yamaya is to create better habits and demonstrate a healthy belief system. This also pays off in my own life.

What role does family play in children’s education and development?

Education is something I often challenge, in its traditional self.  Self-discovery is the most important form of education, because it’s the one that truly cannot be taught, it can only be experienced. Self-discovery, if done well, creates a mentality that allows for the creation of any possibility one can conjure.

What have you learned about building healthy relationships?

That it’s a commitment on both ends. Healthy relationships are not easy to build. The commitment to growth and each other has to be at centreof it, if not, it’s easy to get distracted and allow one’s personal wants for immediate or short-term satisfaction to outweigh the possibility of creating something more beautiful together over time.

Thoughts on work-life balance?

I just make sure that I spend time with Yamaya. I work a lot, as an entrepreneur; it’s quite normal to have days that are full of meetings and nights of actually getting work done, and if I think too much about that, time feels scarce, and I get discouraged. Instead, I prefer to believe that things will work out as long as I put attention towards the things that mean most to me.

What can we use more of to build successful families in Bermuda?

This kind of thing is exactly what we need. We need the examples to be easy to find, easy to access, and easy to engage and learn from. Social media has proven to be so inspirational to so many people. I also make myself available to talk with other fathers and just people, in general, to share what I’ve learned along my journey.

Connect with Cushi @cushiming

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Whether they have the skills or not, all children are eventually launched into society expected to create relationships – at work, at home, in school. Without someone to model after, habits turn into unhealthy (and unwanted) qualities. Positive or negative, “this can allow them to eventually enter into one of the most important relationships of all – marriage – already thinking that marriages fail.”

This, by no means, implies that nuclear families are the only healthy relationships. “Single parents can be amazing, and couples can be terrible.” It’s possible even in single-parent families, to demonstrate love, respect and care to those around you. Olds suggests that even if that love and care are not present in the home, “to send a child to a friend’s house, or have them read books where they can watch how healthy relationships work.”

Most healthy relationships are directly related to self-care. If you’re healthy and happy with who you are, that’s when you are able to effectively “show up” in a relationship. “Parents can get caught up in the baby, in work, in the house,” says Olds, “but they have to find time for themselves and each other. If the parents are taking care of the primary relationship, the kids notice”, and emulate. Many parents tend to be too exhausted to remember that children are paying more attention than we give them credit for.”

Without a doubt, they are watching as you work hard, but say no to being taken advantage of.  They pay attention to your you-time, and how that makes for better them-time. They don’t necessarily need an audience 24/7, they need to see what self-love looks like.

What is the key to relationship success?

Marriage expert John Gottman, who has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples, tells us the key to successful relationships. He says that it does not lie in candlelit dinners. It is not found in trips to Paris or horse and carriage rides under moonlit skies. The key to relationship success is: in small moments of positive attention and communication.

Communication skills are essential, especially in the age of smartphones. Being the “strong silent type” may be all very well in films or novels of a certain era, but does little to show your partner, or child that you care for and love them.

Focus on:

• How to greet them and initiate a conversation
• Listening (a seriously under-rated skill)
• How to show understanding
• Being able to empathise with their feelings and concerns
• Knowing how to read social cues to avoid miscommunication and potential embarrassment
• Working with them to address and solve problems openly and candidly
• Learning how to apologise. Everyone is fallible, makes mistakes and can be wrong

Technology in relationships

While, smartphones and other devices can be used to enhance relationships (both Skype and WhatsApp are incredible communication tools that have changed the way we do distance relations), but be aware of how dangerous the seductive distraction of a cell phone can be.

Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz bring up the term “fubbing”, which refers to the act of snubbing someone with your phone. “If we are feeling lonely, neglected or left out, we look at our phones to suddenly feel included in something”. These devices, dating apps and social networks increase temptation by creating the illusion that there are more opportunities for happier relationships outside of the marriage.

With smartphones, we have other people at our fingertips, namely our co-workers, with whom we spend the majority of our lives. Temptation comes quickly with people that we become close with at our workplace, giving the potential for something Schwartz calls a “work spouse”, where we prefer to talk to our co-worker about our problems than our partner.

This can bring about jealousy, and while Schwartz explains that a little bit of jealousy should be welcomed as a healthy alarm to change needed in a relationship, on-the-edge living combined with poor communication can end it.

Sex! Do it for the family

Sex, and even intimacy, after birthing babies, a significant death, or 10, 20, 30 years of marriage can get difficult to initiate. After so long with little or no intimacy, we fall into something called the “rustiness phenomenon”, where we become shy, timid, and, even though the love is still there, a little bit cold. At this point, the fairy tale relationship is obsolete, and we actually have to work at everything in the couple.

Good, connected sex is something that shows on your face and runs through your movement, including how you engage outside of the bedroom and interact with your children. Olds understands that initiation can feel like one of the most difficult things, and suggests that to start, a couple lay completely nude together without the pretence of intercourse. “Nine times out of ten, the couple ends up having sex!”

To have good sex involves all the skills needed for healthy relationships – practising empathy, asking the right questions and listening to the answers. The bedroom is a good place to put it into practice. Married couples who have sex regularly live longer, have better heart health, enjoy a deeper connection, and can let go of annoyances easier. This, at the helm of the family, can only be a model for a healthy relationship as a child grows older. So, get the kids to bed early tonight!

Intimacy and a healthy sexual relationship between committed and caring adults are not something to be hidden (as in “Not in Front of the Children”), but shown to be a natural part of a loving, adult relationship. Its power should never be taken for granted.

Society can also play a role in this philosophy by adding it too early learning. The couple suggests that sex/health education should also include the physiological and emotional differences between the way that men and women argue. For instance, men take longer to reach a stress peak, but they also take longer to calm down (hence, the reason why men are often perceived as uncaring in a fight, until they care too much.) Most decide to walk away from a heated argument, to then come back later for a calmer and more rational solution.

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Don’t get me wrong, having kids is amazing. I have three that combine their mom’s ability to be irrelevant and casual with their dad’s rather… um, conscientiousness. And there’s definitely a time that these additions make the most sense to arrive. It turned out that pregnant at 40 made perfect sense for me, and your magic number may be something completely different. Sometimes life makes the most sense when it totally doesn’t!

This concept of the biological clock came from a time when it was assumed by many that women couldn’t have it all, as if having a job and a family couldn’t be interchanged in a miss as it is in a mister. We were told that to keep us out of the job market. We were told that to make sure that we women knew that our place was really at home. It was a different world then and what made sense at the time certainly doesn’t resemble the realities of today. The world has changed. We each now have the ability to set our own timeline.

At various points in my life, I’ve done the opposite of what was expected of me. I marched to my own beat, making both mistakes and the best decisions ever. Every step taken was my choice, and all combined to make me who I am today. And I like me. I always look to this one quote for direction, (from Mother Teresa’s prayer), “May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be”.  By listening to myself and keeping that in mind, I’ve been able to be kinder to me, managing to find a path through this life that speaks tome and ofme, as a woman.

Be kind to yourself and be a woman on your own time. Let that clock tick. Use it as a drumbeat to dance through your best life.

This article was originally published in the Fall 2018 edition of RG Magazine.

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Bermuda has a naturally active community of children. The after-school activities that are offered to them are usually engrained in our culture and –– from Gombeys, to cricket, dance and swimming –– usually stem from the circumstances of the land that we stand on. Along with Bermuda culture and history, our children should have strength, power and confidence –– traits that come from trying new things. We can help them to know their bodies and abilities by letting them explore a host of different activities at a young age. Start by asking them the question, “What do you want to do?” and really listen to the answer.

I want to fight…

Release the fighter in them with Capoeira –– an Afro-Brazilian martial art that combines elements of dance, acrobatics and music. It was developed by African slaves in Brazil and was illegal there until the 1930s. If children are not captivated by the rich history, they will feel the combat movement and rhythm. “Capoeira encourages discipline, helps to teach and instill the value of loyalty, responsibility and self-confidence”, says Ivan Outerbridge (AKA Professor Meio Quilo) from Capoeira Camara Bermuda.

He stresses that, “The importance of Capoeira for children is not only in the historical and cultural aspect, but also in the physical qualities it helps develop; balance, motor coordination, speed, strength. It also helps to develop the potential of each child to learn in life, in school and have a positive influence in their life in general.”

I want to fly…

It’s every child’s dream to fly. As body awareness becomes more important, we want to give our children the opportunities to tune in at a younger age. Aerial Silks is an intriguing discipline that involves two lengths of fabric rigged from the ceiling. Working flexibility and strength, this activity also builds trust through the suspending, falling, swinging and spiraling of their body into different positions.

Charlene Macielag, from Lotus Integrative Health and Wellness Studio, comments,“The challenging nature allows aerialists to develop patience and discipline in their practice, and these skills transfer easily into other areas of their lives (such as academics); our ‘Lotus Buds’ are offered performance opportunities, and these opportunities are great for fostering confidence and presentation abilities”.

 I want to build…

Machines are the way of the future! If your child is interested in building, robotics is the booming industry to be in. From cars and smartphones, to thermostats and gaming consoles, it’s all on the path to mechanical engineering. Whether they dream of becoming an aerospace technician at NASA, or just understanding how machines work, open the door with an exhilarating robotics after-school programme. Mid-Atlantic Robotics IN Education (MARINE) combines creativity and team spirit to empower Bermuda’s youth to be champions of the natural environment.

“The program runs from September to March and culminates in an underwater robotics challenge at the National Sports Center”, says the Director of Ocean Academy, Kaitlin Noyes. In the past, “student pilots maneuvered their ROV through a variety of scientifically-themed tasks. Students took part in team interviews about the scientific principals behind their design process and were evaluated for a marketing poster about their ROV, adding an entrepreneurial aspect to the program’s activities”.

An ongoing partnership with the US-based Marine Advanced Technology Education Center has continued to facilitate participation in an annual underwater navigation challenge.

 I want to protect…

Draw and shoot. If they enjoy being outside, but in a quiet capacity, archery is a great way to give them fresh air while teaching them focus, balance, coordination and self-discipline. From walking long-distances to carrying so many pounds of equipment, this activity is not short of physical health benefits.

I want to create…

If your child is craving more arts than what they are getting in school, it’s for a good reason. Visual arts help kids to learn and develop important characteristics that they will need as adults, such as creativity, collaboration, decision making, perseverance, focus and accountability. Our galleries have wonderful programmes for a child’s growth in the arts. “Masterwork’s art programmes embrace diverse projects, styles and techniques”, says Education Coordinator, Nuno Patricio. “The outcome of these programmes is to promote critical thinking, creative problem solving, observational and descriptive abilities. The public will develop their sense of creativity and engage artistically”.

Discover new ideas for non-traditional activities that will keep a child active in their bodies, but also their minds – all available in Bermuda. These alternative sports and groups can build confidence by challenging their abilities, open their thoughts to the world around them, and help them to find like-minded and lifelong friends.

This article was originally published in the August 2018 edition of the RG Back-to-School supplement.

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