by Claudette Fleming

You remember the days when aged forty was “old”. Well, for some of us, forty is still “old” but for many more, the milestone represents a significant part of our youthful days. And while, the law of reaping and sowing applies at all ages, there is something about the timeframe between our forties and sixties that determines just how well we fare in ages sixty and beyond.

A healthy reality check is needed; let’s see if you pass the test. If you are over forty years old, have already saved to meet at least 70 percent of your anticipated expenses in your retirement years, have no health problems or concerns, are completely out of debt, have maintained the appropriate weight and body mass for a person of your build, are content in your relationships and feel as though you are enjoying a purposeful life, then this article is not for you. You are clearly extraordinary and represent a beacon of light in our community.

However, if not, then chances are planning for your ageing future needs immediate attention. Here’s where you can start.

Harnessing Physical Ageing

Now is the time! The ability to overcome significant health challenges is a significant factor in how well you age. If you are like me, you have put off that diet and exercise plan for far too long. If you are forty and older it’s time to literally get moving. Since there are physiological changes of varying kinds associated with the ageing process, health experts suggest regular exercise and a healthy diet filled with several servings of colourful fruits and vegetables daily.

It is likely that for most of us, health challenges will come, however you can reduce or totally eliminate your chances of becoming ill and/or the severity of illness by taking care of your body and mind today. Another helpful habit is to work on reducing stress levels and getting plenty of sleep. Hard work should be smart work and being in optimal physical form as you are ageing is one of the smartest things you can do. Make your health investment today and recoup the benefits in many years to come, when you’ll need these benefits the most.

Economic Security

Someone once said that “money may not buy you love but it doesn’t hurt to have a down payment just in case.” Many seniors today are living the consequences of the decisions they made in their younger years, particularly in the area of finances.

While many may have saved for a rainy day there are often more rainy days than sunny ones with life expectancies well into the 80’s. While I am not a financial expert, as a social worker I have seen enough over the years and, that there are a few critical pillars of finances that are useful in old age. These include: personal savings; pensions; investments; exchanges between family members and friends for goods and services; earned income and; additional sources of passive income.

While many people have some ability to at least commence a personal savings plan and a pension plan which is mandatory for every employed person; can ask for help or pool resources with family members; or can rely on income from an apartment; few understand how to make their money work for them. The mindset of the past has been “work hard, save, retire, spend and stretch it to the grave.” The problem with this formula however is that there are often way more retirement years than there is money!

One of the best things that you can do for yourself at any age is to learn how to make your money work for you so that you don’t have to work so hard in your later years for it. The earlier you start making money work for you the better off you will be.

Meaningful Relationships

According to the Campaign to End Loneliness in the UK, almost a fifth of persons (9 million) in the UK admit to feeling lonely. Over a half of people in the UK aged 75 and older live alone and 2/3’s indicate that the television is their main companion. If you are active and full of vitality then chances are you are looking for creative ways to spend some time alone from the children, the job and maybe even your ageing parents.

However, when you begin to transition from these roles and enter retirement, when the kids leave home, or your parents and maybe even your spouse has died, the threat of loneliness suddenly becomes a reality. It is true that the one constant in life is change and we must forever be preparing for it.

Learning how to adapt to change, particularly changing relationships, will be an important part of your ageing success. There can be a temptation in our younger years to take family and friends for granted, but around forty and sometimes younger, significant people in our life start disappearing. Your best couple friends are divorced, your children grow up and relocate, and your spouse prefers to stay at home more. It is often here that you’ll start to realize that relationships are the true currency of the old age economy. And, just like any other investment, you can only get out what you put in, so make sure you never stop investing into your relationships.

Positive Self-Identity

Your 40^thbirthday may also be the time that you take a look at your life and wonder where it is going. It may be that there are more years behind you than there are ahead of you and you want to be at peace with the fact that the life you are living has a meaningful purpose. For some this introspection may spark a mid-life crisis and for others an awakening. If at 40 years or older, you look around and you are not happy with who you have become then make up your mind to change. Harbouring regret, frustration and unhappiness can have irreversible consequences on your mental and physical well-being, your finances and your relationships. Owning a positive self-identify means offering the best you, an improved you, designed to create, contribute and participate. A better life awaits at 40 and beyond. I dare you to go for it!

Dr. Claudette Fleming has been the Executive Director at Age Concern Bermuda for 19 years. She has helped to develop the organization’s platform for Successful Ageing. For more information on successful ageing  and Age Concern visit the research pages at www.ageconcern.bm.

This article was originally published in the 2019 edition of the rg Encore Age supplement.

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What is family?

A family is a commitment. A commitment to nurture, cherish, educate, learn from, support, and rely on each other. A commitment founded on faith, hope, and love. A family is also the moments created within that commitment. The family is not defined by the people themselves, but rather the relationship they co-create together.

How do you demonstrate love in your family?

• Level 1: Subconscious love through fulfilling “responsibility” as a parent – so, getting her ready for school, cooking for her, reading to her, playing with her.
• Level 2: Conscious love – Intentional expression of love through hugging her often, kissing her over 1,000 times a day, telling her I love her. On the days that she’s with her mom, I go to visit her at school every day for lunch, lay next to her cot and stay until she falls asleep for her nap. Even at two years old, I still put her to sleep on my chest every night.
• Level 3: Looking within oneself – Between birth and seven years old, we learn most of what we know from those around us. My commitment to Yamaya is to create better habits and demonstrate a healthy belief system. This also pays off in my own life.

What role does family play in children’s education and development?

Education is something I often challenge, in its traditional self.  Self-discovery is the most important form of education, because it’s the one that truly cannot be taught, it can only be experienced. Self-discovery, if done well, creates a mentality that allows for the creation of any possibility one can conjure.

What have you learned about building healthy relationships?

That it’s a commitment on both ends. Healthy relationships are not easy to build. The commitment to growth and each other has to be at centreof it, if not, it’s easy to get distracted and allow one’s personal wants for immediate or short-term satisfaction to outweigh the possibility of creating something more beautiful together over time.

Thoughts on work-life balance?

I just make sure that I spend time with Yamaya. I work a lot, as an entrepreneur; it’s quite normal to have days that are full of meetings and nights of actually getting work done, and if I think too much about that, time feels scarce, and I get discouraged. Instead, I prefer to believe that things will work out as long as I put attention towards the things that mean most to me.

What can we use more of to build successful families in Bermuda?

This kind of thing is exactly what we need. We need the examples to be easy to find, easy to access, and easy to engage and learn from. Social media has proven to be so inspirational to so many people. I also make myself available to talk with other fathers and just people, in general, to share what I’ve learned along my journey.

Connect with Cushi @cushiming

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Whether they have the skills or not, all children are eventually launched into society expected to create relationships – at work, at home, in school. Without someone to model after, habits turn into unhealthy (and unwanted) qualities. Positive or negative, “this can allow them to eventually enter into one of the most important relationships of all – marriage – already thinking that marriages fail.”

This, by no means, implies that nuclear families are the only healthy relationships. “Single parents can be amazing, and couples can be terrible.” It’s possible even in single-parent families, to demonstrate love, respect and care to those around you. Olds suggests that even if that love and care are not present in the home, “to send a child to a friend’s house, or have them read books where they can watch how healthy relationships work.”

Most healthy relationships are directly related to self-care. If you’re healthy and happy with who you are, that’s when you are able to effectively “show up” in a relationship. “Parents can get caught up in the baby, in work, in the house,” says Olds, “but they have to find time for themselves and each other. If the parents are taking care of the primary relationship, the kids notice”, and emulate. Many parents tend to be too exhausted to remember that children are paying more attention than we give them credit for.”

Without a doubt, they are watching as you work hard, but say no to being taken advantage of.  They pay attention to your you-time, and how that makes for better them-time. They don’t necessarily need an audience 24/7, they need to see what self-love looks like.

What is the key to relationship success?

Marriage expert John Gottman, who has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples, tells us the key to successful relationships. He says that it does not lie in candlelit dinners. It is not found in trips to Paris or horse and carriage rides under moonlit skies. The key to relationship success is: in small moments of positive attention and communication.

Communication skills are essential, especially in the age of smartphones. Being the “strong silent type” may be all very well in films or novels of a certain era, but does little to show your partner, or child that you care for and love them.

Focus on:

• How to greet them and initiate a conversation
• Listening (a seriously under-rated skill)
• How to show understanding
• Being able to empathise with their feelings and concerns
• Knowing how to read social cues to avoid miscommunication and potential embarrassment
• Working with them to address and solve problems openly and candidly
• Learning how to apologise. Everyone is fallible, makes mistakes and can be wrong

Technology in relationships

While, smartphones and other devices can be used to enhance relationships (both Skype and WhatsApp are incredible communication tools that have changed the way we do distance relations), but be aware of how dangerous the seductive distraction of a cell phone can be.

Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz bring up the term “fubbing”, which refers to the act of snubbing someone with your phone. “If we are feeling lonely, neglected or left out, we look at our phones to suddenly feel included in something”. These devices, dating apps and social networks increase temptation by creating the illusion that there are more opportunities for happier relationships outside of the marriage.

With smartphones, we have other people at our fingertips, namely our co-workers, with whom we spend the majority of our lives. Temptation comes quickly with people that we become close with at our workplace, giving the potential for something Schwartz calls a “work spouse”, where we prefer to talk to our co-worker about our problems than our partner.

This can bring about jealousy, and while Schwartz explains that a little bit of jealousy should be welcomed as a healthy alarm to change needed in a relationship, on-the-edge living combined with poor communication can end it.

Sex! Do it for the family

Sex, and even intimacy, after birthing babies, a significant death, or 10, 20, 30 years of marriage can get difficult to initiate. After so long with little or no intimacy, we fall into something called the “rustiness phenomenon”, where we become shy, timid, and, even though the love is still there, a little bit cold. At this point, the fairy tale relationship is obsolete, and we actually have to work at everything in the couple.

Good, connected sex is something that shows on your face and runs through your movement, including how you engage outside of the bedroom and interact with your children. Olds understands that initiation can feel like one of the most difficult things, and suggests that to start, a couple lay completely nude together without the pretence of intercourse. “Nine times out of ten, the couple ends up having sex!”

To have good sex involves all the skills needed for healthy relationships – practising empathy, asking the right questions and listening to the answers. The bedroom is a good place to put it into practice. Married couples who have sex regularly live longer, have better heart health, enjoy a deeper connection, and can let go of annoyances easier. This, at the helm of the family, can only be a model for a healthy relationship as a child grows older. So, get the kids to bed early tonight!

Intimacy and a healthy sexual relationship between committed and caring adults are not something to be hidden (as in “Not in Front of the Children”), but shown to be a natural part of a loving, adult relationship. Its power should never be taken for granted.

Society can also play a role in this philosophy by adding it too early learning. The couple suggests that sex/health education should also include the physiological and emotional differences between the way that men and women argue. For instance, men take longer to reach a stress peak, but they also take longer to calm down (hence, the reason why men are often perceived as uncaring in a fight, until they care too much.) Most decide to walk away from a heated argument, to then come back later for a calmer and more rational solution.

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Ah, the joys of the fairer sex.

Luckily there are some books out there to help you try and get inside her head, although it’s entirely possible they will just leave you even more confused than before.

Still, you can but try, and for some helpful hints check out the informative, yet frankly terrifying, The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, M.D.

Other tomes that are worth a look include: Self Help, by Lorrie More, a book for men “who worry they’ll never be able to relate to a female character”; The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P, by Adelle Waldman, a book to help men “understand the seemingly mysterious behavior of women in relationships”.

If those first three aren’t enough for you, then take a look at the list below for some books that can help men understand women, at least a little bit better.

Bad Behaviour, by Mary Gaitskill

In Gaitskill’s dark, even ominous short stories, which are filled with dysfunctional relationships and lurid details, there’s an honesty about relationships between men and women that can be uncomfortable to take. And while many male authors have recounted distasteful liaisons and sexual misadventures in literature, Gaitskill’s perceptive portrayal of how real women think and behave — and how their fantasies and desires mingle uneasily with harsh reality — adds a piece to the psychological puzzle. Instead of obscure objects of desire, as women in such stories penned by men often are, Gaitskill’s women are alive, and have their own thoughts and actions, sometimes.

The Group, by Mary McCarthy

There simply aren’t enough books out there about female friendship. As Virginia Woolf herself wrote in A Room of One’s Own, literature by men often fails to imagine what women might talk about when men aren’t there. “I tried to remember,” she writes, “any case in the course of my reading where two women are represented as friends.” But of course, women often have powerful friendships. The Group explores the friendship of eight women over the years after they graduate from college, and it does so in an honest and unflinching way. While women often read about male friendships, it’s just as important for men to read about women’s.

You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, by Deborah Tannen

This book reveals “a rare combination of scientific insight and delightful, humorous writing. Tannen shows why women and men can walk away from the same conversation with completely different impressions of what was said.”  She also gives you the tools to understand what went wrong — and to find a common language in which to strengthen relationships at work and at home. A classic in the field of interpersonal relations, this book will change forever the way you approach conversations.

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What was your first impression of Bermuda’s dating scene?

Charlotte: For me, as a local, the dating scene has never really been one of actual dating in our culture, which I think needs to change.

Samantha: What a small pond! I’ve never wanted to date/have sex with someone a friend of mine already has and this limits the pool even more. I was also cognizant that a one-night stand here means potentially running into that person time and again, unlike back home. I was also surprised at how very homogenized the expat community is. Anglo, predominantly international finance background. Very little artistic, civil servant, blue-collar type expats here. Not that I strictly date expats. But my Bermudian experience has been eye opening. Bermudian men often cheat. And it seems to be a commonly accepted practice. I don’t know if it’s because people grow up seeing men cheat, but men seem to do it and women seem to turn a blind eye.

Miranda: I found it challenging as most people moved to the island with a significant other.

Carrie: A whole new world to discover. I was hesitant at first, before moving here, knowing it was a small scene. However the opportunity to meet fresh faces with new people traveling in and out from all over the world was exciting to me.

Have you been given any good advice about dating in Bermuda?

Miranda: A work colleague told me that if I thought I was moving to the island to meet Prince Charming, I was in for a big surprise. They told me dating in Bermuda is difficult.

Samantha: Someone told me to make sure I had a social outlet other than work, which was fantastic advice. I’m not into dating coworkers. Awkward!

Carrie: A good tip of dating here versus New York someone told me – in New York there are lots of people you want to meet, but it’s harder to meet them. In Bermuda it’s much easier to meet people, but may not always be the people you want to meet!

How do you think dating has changed for you from when you were in your 20s?

Samantha: I honestly didn’t date much in my 20s. I had low self-esteem and I actually didn’t lose my virginity until I was 29!

Charlotte: It doesn’t seem to have changed much. The main thing that has changed is the form of communication i.e. Facebook, Tinder, Whatsapp etc. People don’t seem to talk on the phone much anymore. It’s all typing which I think is sad. People have more confidence behind a screen now than they do in person.

Carrie: For me, I was still coming into my own skin and figuring myself out.  I always knew I wanted to find that right partner, and tried on more than a few for size! I think I was a bit more carefree back then as the eternal quest for finding the right partner felt less pressured in a sense. But I’m also more carefree now, in a different sense, because I’m at peace with my life knowing through experience that life happens when it’s supposed to happen.

What is your relationship status and what are your ultimate relationship goals?

Samantha: I’m single as hell. I’d like to find the right person and settle down, maybe even get married. But I’ll never settle for someone who isn’t the right one.

Charlotte: Currently single (and happy!). My ultimate goal is to find a best friend that will be my husband who I can start and grow a family with and live a happy and fun life.

Carrie: Single and ready to mingle!

How do you think your emotional state affects your ability to attract someone?

Charlotte: What you give out is what you get back. That’s something I’ve learned and I think it’s very important to be mindful of.

Samantha: Confidence is sexy. It shows on your face. While out, I tend to attract men when I am laughing and having a good time with my friends, not looking around to see who’s there.

Carrie: I believe relationships of any kind are about giving of oneself – so I always knew I had to be the best version of myself and in the best state of mind before I was going to attract the right person.

What are some of the things that make it difficult to date in Bermuda?

Miranda: Lack of single available men on the island. Most men arrive with partners so you might see a new guy on the island, however 99 percent of the time he’s already in a committed relationship. I also think it’s difficult when you get to a very senior position in your job. Some men find successful women difficult to date.

Samantha: Everyone knows (or wants to know and tell everyone else) your business!

Charlotte: Our population can make it feel difficult because everyone knows someone. The degree of separation is very small.

Carrie: Three degrees of separation! In New York, you could go on a date with three different people in a week if you wanted and your life was way more private. The last first date I went on here we ran into six or seven people that we both knew.

What’s the most outrageous thing that’s ever happened to you on a date?

Samantha: I once went on a date with a guy who used a coupon at a restaurant on our first date. I wouldn’t have minded if he’d been up front about it, but he tried to do it on the sly and the waitress called him out on it. I never called him back. He did leave some funny messages on my [answering] machine – yes, it was that long ago – about me either being 1) stuck under a large piece of furniture or 2) having lost my voice or 3) just not interested. I felt a little bit bad about ghosting him, and that I had kind of picked him apart for several small things and maybe was making a big deal out of nothing. Several years later, I did a web search for sex offenders in my neighborhood and he showed up. I have not forgotten since that experience to TRUST MY GUT!!!

Charlotte: Almost being caught by the police while having fun in the car. But this was not a date, we had been seeing each other for a while!

What are some of the stigmas that surround dating for women? Is sex on the first date still a no-no? Any other strange dating customs? Do you stick to them or do you like to change the rule books?

Miranda: I don’t want to jump into bed on the first date the older I get. Been there and done that in my 20s. I have a three-date minimum before taking it to the next level. Plus, I also think there are a lot of men out there that are in relationships, not happy with them and just want to shag a woman when they are traveling on business. That happened to me where I thought the stars were finally aligning for me and I met the one. Spent a weekend away with him only to find out a few weeks later that he actually was engaged to be married.

Samantha: I’m not into sex on the first date, mainly because I’ve learned how (most) men think of you after doing that! I’ve often made the first move, but prefer for the man to take the initiative.

Charlotte: I personally would not have sex on a first date. I’m a bit of a germaphobe! I want to get to know your hygiene habits first. That said – sex on a first date is cool as long as both parties agree. I think a stigma that needs to go away is that women can be strong, independent and not want a man to help out because of having those traits. That’s not true, women still want a man to be supportive in the relationship, no one can do it all, relationships (in all forms) our the foundations of our lives. I personally have come to be adverse to “rules”.

Do you have a specific sort of person that you look for or are you open to trying new things?

Samantha: I don’t have a list of things I’m looking for. I will admit, my taste is unusual. You never know what you will find attractive until you give someone a chance. I’m more into trying to find common interests than ticking boxes on tall, dark, handsome, rich, etc. Beyond chemistry, I want a guy to be considerate of my time. If you can’t make a date, don’t wait until the last minute to let me know (or stand me up). Be a man and communicate!

Charlotte: I used to be attracted to a certain type of guy. Now that I am single, I am finding that I am open to meeting someone different because that could open my world up to a whole new life.

Carrie: I don’t go out with this checklist saying I’m looking for this exact type of person – life doesn’t work that way. I’m all about the connection I have with someone, and you never know who that’s going to be with. Overall, the most important qualities to me are to be a good, authentic person, to know how to have fun and make me laugh, to have good energy and to be on my level – meaning have your shit together! I want someone who’s on track with where I’m at in life – I’m not looking to take care of someone else’s issues!

Miranda: I need a man that makes me laugh all the time. He has to be the type of man that you can leave in the room on their own and they can fend for themselves.

How has technology changed the way that you date?

Miranda: I’m open to meeting someone online. The traditional fairytale dating dreams that most women have when they are little girls and becoming women are long over. You have to be open to internet dating as it really is the way of the future. I’ve even looked into a professional agency to assist me in the dating hunt.

Samantha: I think technology makes it easier to wade through the masses. Chat a bit, see if there are any common connections and then agree to meet. This is different than meeting someone out, based purely on attraction, and then finding out there’s not much else in common. I get bored quickly without a mental connection.

Charlotte: I’m a fan of social apps for the ease of communication but I’m not fan in that it’s taken away from talking on the phone and having phones out at breakfast, lunch and dinner.

What’s the weirdest/craziest thing you’ve seen on a dating site?

Samantha: I’ve seen several couples looking for a third. Or self-proclaimed “BDSM Masters” looking for kinky sex. I swiped left for these.

Carrie: I came across a guy on Tinder in New York that was nude in his picture except for a piece of pizza over his parts. It was pretty weird!

Have you ever organized a date for when you are travelling? Was it successful and do you do it often?

Miranda: Yes, I have! It’s fun because you can be anonymous. I organize dates overseas a couple times a year.

Samantha: Yes, and I do it often. I’ve had some super fun, spontaneous dates while travelling. I’ve had these turn romantic but also stay completely in the friend zone.

Charlotte: I haven’t but it sounds like something fun to try!

When it comes to first impressions, what’s an automatic turn off when you first meet some one?

Samantha: Bad grammar, both written and text. Table manners. I’m into eye contact too. If you’re not looking at me, that’s a problem.

Charlotte: Smoking and trying to push themselves on me.

Carrie: If they try too hard and are trying to be something they’re not to impress you. Just be you.

What is the perfect date to go on especially in Bermuda where you need to be a little more creative?

Samantha: I like a tucked away venue, like Barracuda Grill’s bar area.

Carrie: A love a good day-date to a new scenic spot I haven’t seen before. That’s when I feel like I’m in my best element.

Charlotte: A picnic in a park or on the beach or a cruise to watch the sunset.

Miranda: Romantic picnic on the beach!

Do you think men in Bermuda are intimidated about a woman who is wealthy in her own right?

Samantha: I think that men in general are intimated by successful women. We can do what we want, when we want. From a gender role perspective, it has got to be tough for a man to deal with not being “needed”.  I sometimes find it hard to ask for help but have realized that men like to provide help.

Charlotte: I can only speak from a woman’s perspective and feel that maybe it’s the male ego that can’t get past a woman being more successful than them. I could be wrong but from my friends that I’ve spoken to, that is the ultimate consensus. It would be good to get Bermudian males POV on this. Women have come a long way, so we certainly won’t apologize for being successful let alone hide it or “dumb down” for a man. A great characteristic in a man would be someone who is comfortable enough in his own skin to not let a successful woman make him feel inferior.

Carrie: I think the perfect scenario is where two people come from relatively equal places – if they’re both in stable careers and do well on their own – then money and who makes what shouldn’t matter. It’s when it’s off balance and the woman is paying more of the way, or the guy can’t keep up with her lifestyle – that’s when they definitely become intimated. And I tend to fly high!

What do you think most men in Bermuda expect to happen on a date, particularly a first date?

Miranda: They want to get laid!

Samantha: Actual dating is so rare here. It’s usually “let’s meet up” for drinks and see what happens.

Charlotte: I’ve found all types. Some expect more than a kiss and some expect to meet a nice person that they could potentially start dating. Some people are looking for marriage happiness and some are looking for hookup happiness. Neither is wrong, as long as it’s communicated and consensual.

Finding love on the island may have its challenges but that hasn’t stopped our single ladies. They have plenty to say about the dating scene (or lack thereof) and they are more than willing to tell all. Look out for more stories about finding love island-style.

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